Jason Permenter

This news, now over a year old, is still nothing but a travesty. See, they’ve gone and updated Clue for ‘modern’ audiences (read: ‘lost all its charm in the interest of money’). The shame here is that, in replacing Colonel Mustard with a PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL STAR, Hasbro/Parker Bros. is encouraging kids growing up today to only identify with the Day within which they grow up, and not be aware of any sort of history. Culture has to have a context. Making Professor Plum (ostensibly meant to be the sharpest tack in the room) be a VIDEO GAME DESIGNER, for example, is to somehow lose that context, bit by bit. But that’s what he is, now. A VIDEO GAME DESIGNER.

I mean, listen: “Cassandra” is now Miss Scarlet’s name. “What?…But…”, you’re saying, “Miss Scarlet is not supposed to have a name….!?!?!” And you’re correct: last time I checked my box of Crayolas, “Cassandra” is not a COLOR. (Although Crayola’s gone off the deep end with color names recently too, so don’t get me started.) Does the lack of lead piping in modern-built homes really mean that it’s an ineffectual weapon for murdering Mr Boddy?  (Oh lord, I wonder what his name is now.) Do people not go to Pier One and buy candlesticks anymore?

Just think: no more will children cry out “Professor Plum with the Candlestick in the Conservatory!”. Nope. That can’t happen any longer, in fact. From now on, get used to “I think it was Cassandra with the Dumbbell in the Spa” (<—this is, now, a real possible outcome, cry cry cry.)

A travesty, I’m telling you.

P.S. Tell me that’s not Catherine Zeta-Jones on that box. Just go ahead and try.